its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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