He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
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