I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize