nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
