my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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