my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
