Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize