Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
