I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
