this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Im just a social blackout drinker.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
