Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize