OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
