I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
