I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
