Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
