Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize