dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
