i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
