I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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