I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
