if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
