I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize