What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She told me I should be a condom model.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize