y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
