This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
