I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
