The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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