You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize