About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You ruined the universe
Randomize
