So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
