i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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