Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
