He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
