I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
