i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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