I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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