Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
