That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
