I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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