When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
