I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
