Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
