Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
a search helicopter?!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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