i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize