I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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