There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
