Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
