good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
