after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
