I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
