This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
