The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
