yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
