I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
