my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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