and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
