The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize