my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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