apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize