lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize