I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
